How I Hate People and Love PSATs.

You know why I don't pick up calls? Why I don't log onto chat anymore? Why I don't respond to texts? It's because... I hate people. Yes, I hate them.
That's exactly why I never go places, and why I'm always stuck at home like a little hermit crab in an aquarium, scared to stick my little head out and see what that fake artificial seaweed is doing in that corner over there. If I lived in Nemo's tank, I'd probably die of fright from all those little sea creatures tapping my shell every five seconds.

I'm just kidding. What? I love people.
But still, I don't respond to your facebook posts.
This is obviously a problem.
And don't think it's a mistake that you get my voice message every time you call.
Or that you can never find me on your AIM list anymore.

It's because I'm scared. I'm scared to let anyone come too close. Last time I did that, I was blinded for about a year and depressed for the other. You think I'm going to go through all that again? I'm smarter than that. I'll shut you out when it seems like we're going to be more than just acquaintances, and I won't hesitate at it either. I can't be vulnerable. I can't.

Or maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I don't find it as important to keep in touch with people. Or to have conversations with people on AIM or on the phone when I could be doing something like, well, studying PSATs. Hey, that's what my parents are telling me. When my phone bill last month ended up costing (insert high number here), they told me that I was wasting my time. And they're probably right too; is talking on the phone going to get me into college? I think not.

There's another problem too- online conversations are so awkward. There is so much of me that just wants to avoid them altogether, which is a huge reason why I don't log on anymore. It's fine if you ask me what the math homework was, but if you just say "hey" what am I supposed to say? I'll be interested for a few minutes and try to hold a conversation of course, something normal, an effort to see how a friend's doing and if everything's going alright. But here's how it goes:
friend: hey
me: hey!!! how are you??
friend: nm, u?
me: oh.. yeah school sucks.
END CONVERSATION HERE. I don't understand what the point of saying hello to me is if you decide not to say anything past that. Which is why I'd much rather have conversations face-to-face. They're more real, more personal, more intimate. I love people because I can see them and talk to them and laugh with them, not because I can build a beautiful relationship with them via computer screen through LOLs and LMAOs and ROFLLOLOLHAHAHAs and (add a million emoctions here). Goodnesss gracious you can't even physically lmao in real life, nor can you make even half of those overexaggerated faces that they allow you to put on through chat.

Or, the conversation can go like this:
friend: hey
me: hey!!! how are you?????
friend: oh good (insert youtube link here)
me: oh.. i'm kindof busy i'll watch it later
friend: pleeease?
me: okay finee. (spends five minutes watching a baby rip up paper)
me: hahaha! that's funny.
friend: (insert youtube link here)
me: another one?? okayno. i hafta work!
friend: (insert another youtube link)
friend: (and another)
friend: (and another)
me: OKAYASDFJA;RLKJA;SLKJAS;LJ AHHHHH

i hate people.

but ohmygoodness. I definitely did not mean for this post to turn into a ramble about internet conversations. The point was supposed to be that I've been ignoring a lot of my friends lately because I've been caging myself at home with books and books of SAT test prep crap and physics workbooks (Except it technically does not matter because my friends are doing the same thing). But I miss ninth grade when we'd have sleepovers every month because we had nothing better to do. I guess this is the cost of being Asian... haha that was a racist comment. I'm kidding. This is the cost of caving into the pressure to do well in school and get into an Ivy college and live a just wonderfully dandy life.
And that I've also been ignoring boys in general but I don't think that's going to change much.