beauty ain't objective, hon.

"It's like he would take a photograph of Sam, and the photograph would be beautiful. And he would think that the reason the photograph was beautiful was because of how he took it. If I took it, I would know that the only reason it's beautiful is because of Sam.

I just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is. And I think it's bad when the most honest way a boy can look at a girl is through a camera. It's very hard for me to see Sam feel better about herself just because an older boy sees her that way."

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

By the way, guys, beauty is not objective.

You can think someone is beautiful without needing confirmation.

You can be beautiful without someone telling you.

There's no such thing as "lying" about beauty.

You are who you think you are.
And that's that.

Word of the day:

Wanderlust [won-der-luhst]

–noun

a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about

An Education (is necessary, and fun is not)

Yes, after watching An Education, I have decided that I do in fact care too much about trivial matters, and that I should focus more on my education so that I can get into a good college like Oxford. That I shouldn't run off with men fifteen years older than me and practice having sex with a banana (quote: I don't want to lose my virginity to a fruit!), that I shouldn't trust older men to begin with, and that I should, once again, live a boring, orthodox life inside of a classroom to insure a slightly less boring life in the future. I've also learned that I love British films, and that I should probably get to watching the ones Christine lent me ages ago. I've learnt that there are no shortcuts in life, and that having fun is okay, but only if you can still get into Oxford while you're doing it (thus, having fun is not okay). Goodness, I wish I could be like that girl. Clever, smart, pretty, and able to throw her life away in less than a month. Wait a few more months, and there she is again, older, wiser, and a new student at Oxford.

Realistically, it's not possible. People who throw their lives away usually don't get them back. Second chances aren't practical. If you pass up the chance, then you pass it up forever.

Sorry to be the debbie downer (whatever that means). Here, I'll add a "haha" in here to lighten up the mood. haha.

I did like the movie though. Seemed a bit pedophile-esque, but considering the decade it was set in, I suppose it's okay.

But you know, God gives second chances.

Hello license, oh, goodbye.

Wait, I just went out for a spin by myself for the first time ever (after all, I got my license today!), and it was just about the most wonderful thing ever. For the first time, I could turn my music up and pull the windows down, feel the warm breeze rushing past me, sing at the top of my lungs and crazily dance with no one to watch me. I had managed to grow up in one day, as sudden and unexpected as this transition from winter to summer. Look at those little teenagers waiting for their parents to pick them up, ha, I'm way past that age now. It was liberating, it really was.

And then, when I pull back into the garage, I see my dad waiting for me at the door.

Jessie! You can't drive by yourself yet! You don't have insurance! If the police catch you, you'll have nothing to do; it's a traffic violation! You have to wait at least a month for us to buy you insurance, you understand?

Darn. Well, all I can say is, looks like I'm looking toward another month of my slowly deteriorating room. I swear, it's just about ready to spit me out. There's simply no room for me anymore.

This will one day be me. I'm so set on it.

Wait, it feels too much like summer for me to take school seriously right now.

A Paradox

I think it's pretty ironic that the only time we're ever allowed to flaunt our good characteristics, to boast about our righteous qualities and exaggerate our altruistic traits, is during some dishonest political campaign. When you're purposely trying to be honest, you're only lying to yourself.

Ha- I just said something that Winston Smith from 1984 would say. Which, so far, is quite an interesting read. Not too sure what to make of it yet.

And you know what else?

I'm scared of the genuinely honest & nice people in this world. They're so rare that the first thing that crosses my mind when I meet one is gee, I bet they're hiding something under all that sugary coating. And it simply blows my mind when I realize that they're actually just regular (well, not exactly regular), nice people. I don't know how they do it. I honestly don't.

I'm too young to die!

Life is so fleeting. It's scary, when you actually start to think about it.

I mean, every second, someone dies. In fact, more than just one someone probably dies; it's probably five, or ten, or twenty, if you put the entire world into focus. And while these people are dying by the second, we're over here, typing away on our two-hundred dollar laptops, browsing through practically the entire Earth manifested on these sites. Why are we the ones who get to be healthy and alive, when we're probably more corrupt than they are? It almost makes me feel guilty. But see- that's the problem- almost. Because I'm so cooped up in my little Johns Creek bubble that I can't honestly and fully comprehend the suffering that's actually going on out there. Because I'd rather whither away in my room, studying about all the mistakes we've made in our short time of a US History, while telling myself I'm too young and too busy and too insignificant to donate.

But not only that, but there are so many chances to die. I know it's a morbid thing to think about, but it's so true. The fact that we live in an area with so many cars probably exponentially increases the possibility of us dying. My next door neighbor could knock in my door with a hunting rifle if she wanted to. In fact, my math teacher could too (she takes off days for school to go hunting). Every time we cook, we could burn down the house. Those butcher knives are pretty dangerous too, and the sketchy aisles dotting downtown Atlanta makes everything just perfect. A lightning bolt could hit the tree outside my house. A water pipe could explode. My computer could explode.

It's so scary. Just because I haven't had some traumatizing life-death experience does not make it less probable for something bad to happen to me. Or you.

And then, if we start talking things on the spiritual level, we don't even have to be alive in the first place. God totally could've just burned the entire world down a few centuries ago. He could've just wiped out the nation with that big flood. He didn't have to keep his promises. It's really scary. And amazing. I don't deserve to be alive, and yet, here I am, still typing away on this laptop. Thank God, literally, that He's the way He is.

Maybe high school relationships aren't that terrible.

You know how I hate high school relationships and everything?

Well, I still do, but Alice Young & Andrew Chambers have given me hope that maybe, high school relationships aren't so terrible after all. Honestly, today when I saw them together for the first time, I felt so happy at how perfect they were together. It wasn't overly mushy-gushy. It wasn't like some other couples, who just make you feel awkward and unwanted. They didn't try to pretend like we weren't there and talk about their own couple-y things in their own couple-y corner. They didn't flirt excessively, and even when they flirted, it was too cute to get annoyed over. Because they weren't the couple that said baby and sweetie and all those other advertised love names manufactured by Hollywood, and they didn't try to purposely act mean and unsappy to each other either, just because we were around.

And what really gets me is that he was just as weird and strange as she is. He didn't have those boundaries that limit what a guy can actually do before he's crossed the line into the realm of unmanliness (which doesn't actually mean anything). Just the other day, I had started a post (unfinished, obviously) about how guys care too much about their images, even more than girls possibly, and how they've just got to follow that "bro code" of theirs in order to be accepted and friended. Guys are a lot more judgmental and clique-y than you'd think. And then, here comes Alice's boyfriend, zooming around with her while pretending to be airplanes. They were like the too-cute-to-be-true couple from those TV shows. They were like Jim and Pam. Ugh.

Thanks, guys. It's good to know, Alice, that you actually weren't high when you decided to date that boy. :)

Day One of Seventeen

Alright, so for my next article in the school newspaper, I'm trading my guilty pleasure for someone else's. My guilty pleasure? Playing starcraft. So I have to give that up for the next two weeks (what?! not even during spring break?!) and start reading Seventeen magazines everyday. It's pretty painful, and surprisingly hilarious at the same time.

In just the first day of reading this magazine, I've run across the most helpful things.

Title of article: "What guys really think of your body. Relax it's not as bad as you think! Body Peace expert gets real guys to spill." Real guys? As opposed to what, fake ones? I'm pretty sure the guys that this magazine's quotes are the fake ones. Just wait.

"Guys tend to appreciate our beautiful traits and usually ignore, or don't even see, our flaws." I'm sorry, but this is just bull crap. The first thing guys do is judge a girl based on appearance, notice the flaws, categorize her into a dateable or non-dateable group, then move on with life. I've hung out with plenty of guys to know that a huge chunk of them care a buttload about what their girl looks like.

"I love it when girls have soft tummies... being a little softer in places is what makes girls different than guys, and that's what we like!" That one right there just made me laugh out loud. Boys like soft stomachs, because it's what makes a girl a girl. Not the estrogen or anything. The soft stomach. I will remember that forever.

"When we see a girl's breasts for the first time... we look at the way they curve and how they lie against her chest. The fact that they're big or small or that you think they look weird doesn't matter. The guy is only thinking, I just want to touch her!" And then, in highlighted, bold font above it says, "WE LOVE ANY SIZE BREASTS!" Yes. This definitely comforts me. Now that I know that guys don't care about how big my boobs are and that they only want to touch them really makes me more confident in living. Sorry I have to make it so awkward; this is just so silly!

"We like your butt!" Thank you.

"I've had girlfriends with gaps in their teeth, big lips, big butts, small butts, large chests, small chests. It doesn't matter to me." BOY, how many flawed girlfriends have you HAD?

And wow, this is just terrible. It advocates masturbating ("it's normal to want to explore those sexual urges through masturbation. It can feel good, and it can also help you learn about your body. ) I think I know plenty about my body without having to masturbate. And then, on the next page, it has a checklist, and at the top it says in girly pink font are you really in love? Because you can definitely tell if you're in love by a checklist. And then, at the bottom of the list, it says that you must be 100-percent certain. Which is a hilarious logical fallacy; how can you be 100-percent certain if you're looking through a checklist to make sure?!

Oh, and as for advice about how to get a guy, you should always watch ESPN Sportscenter before a date. What if I'm dating a guy who doesn't like sports? They even managed to turn a serious story into a melodramatic comedy. It was about a girl getting shot, but they made the captions unbelievably cheesy. Oh, and the challenge- "with your friends, pick five locations at the mall and challenge yourselves to talk to a hot guy at each one!" Yes, this is a super-challenge. If I can complete it, I am officially superwoman. You'd hope that the fashion section would be a little bit better, but the only thing I got out of it was that the tying a cardigan around your waist automatically completes the look.

So I'm probably exaggerating, but honestly, I don't see why teenagers would read this magazine. It's so shallow. It's so centered around boys and make-up and clothes, as if the way you look determines what you're worth. But you know what though? I actually can understand why girls would read this. It makes you feel more glamorous than you actually are, it gives you tips about the things teenagers think about the most. It convinces you that you can be beautiful too, and who doesn't want that? I remember devouring the tabloids at my piano teacher's house when I was in middle school. It made me feel popular.

But it's a good thing I'm past that phase and nothing but a cynic.

It's kindof sad though- when I saw the stories in the magazine about girls finding their "true loves," the only thing I did was scoff. I just can't believe in it anymore. But honestly, I could be so wrong, and I probably am. Besides, who am I to tell someone that she's in love or not? I've never even had it.

unpublished, unfinished posts

WELL, since I'm too [insert correct adjective here] to write a new post, I'm going to publish all these unfinished posts into one single post. There's actually only four.

--------------------------

How to ask her to prom

I love thinking of ways for guys to ask girls to prom. I should be a guy, I really should. I don't know why I'm currently of the female gender. It just makes everything more complicated for me, with all this (nonexistent) boy drama and junk. Also, here's a disclaimer- I didn't think up ofall of these.

1. Leave a trail of rose petals on the floor for her to follow, and let them lead up to you, playing some instrument, singing some song, dancing some dance. At the beginning of the trail, have some cute picket sign that says "follow me."

2. Blow up balloons, and have a word on a piece of paper in each balloon. Give her a needle and tell her to pop the balloons in a certain order; the words will spell out the infamous "will you go to prom with me?"

3. Perform a musical when she enters the cafeteria.

4. Take her to the roof and teach her how to dance. Refer to High School Musical 3.

5. Bake something for her, and leave a message at the bottom of the pan. Or take her to breakfast and use syrup/sugar to spell out the word PROM on her pancakes. Have the chef do it.

6. Leave a flower on her desk in every one of her periods, with each flower having a different word. "Will you go to prom with." Don't leave a flower on her desk for sixth period; instead, come in yourself with a sign that says "me?"

7. Have the teacher give her an assignment, some paragraph to proofread or prompt to analyze. In reality though, it's something you wrote, with the question at the very end. You'll know when to walk in.

8. Burn it on her lawn.

9. Have her wait in the bathroom for an open stall, then out of each stall, one by one, a balloon will slowly drift up, with a letter on each balloon... PROM?

10.

--------------------------------

to the people who do everything and don't get accepted into good colleges:

you're so much better than them.

-----------------------------------

I Wish I Were a Cook

I wish a lot of things, but this one is actually legitimate. Julie and Julia has inspired me. The only problem is that I couldn't cook for my life. I can't even bake. I can't even boil ramen... the stove and I aren't very good friends (the fridge and I, on the other hand...).

--------------------------------

I love the crunch under your feet whenever you step on crinkly leaves.
crunch, crunch, cruuuunch.

It reminds me of Captain Crunch.

-------------------------------

I don't know what was the point of publishing unfinished posts, because they still don't make sense, regardless of if they're published or not. It just shows though, how incoherent my mind's been lately, and how chaotic it's been. My room's a mess, a true golden mess. The bags under my eyes are slowly growing larger and larger. And all I can think about is AP, AP, AP. And SAT. I wrote a poem about it. I'll post it later. After I get some much-needed support from you guys. Because I'm honestly hesitant about my poetry, in general, whether I should actually make & advertise a youtube channel and make my poetry into something bigger than a word document saved on my laptop, if I should actively find places to recite, or if that'd just be a waste of time, and I should probably focus on other things. Please be honest.

But anyways, I have a spanish test tomorrow, and I'm blatantly procrastinating.

Have a nice, sunny day tomorrow, finally. :)