Day One of Seventeen

Alright, so for my next article in the school newspaper, I'm trading my guilty pleasure for someone else's. My guilty pleasure? Playing starcraft. So I have to give that up for the next two weeks (what?! not even during spring break?!) and start reading Seventeen magazines everyday. It's pretty painful, and surprisingly hilarious at the same time.

In just the first day of reading this magazine, I've run across the most helpful things.

Title of article: "What guys really think of your body. Relax it's not as bad as you think! Body Peace expert gets real guys to spill." Real guys? As opposed to what, fake ones? I'm pretty sure the guys that this magazine's quotes are the fake ones. Just wait.

"Guys tend to appreciate our beautiful traits and usually ignore, or don't even see, our flaws." I'm sorry, but this is just bull crap. The first thing guys do is judge a girl based on appearance, notice the flaws, categorize her into a dateable or non-dateable group, then move on with life. I've hung out with plenty of guys to know that a huge chunk of them care a buttload about what their girl looks like.

"I love it when girls have soft tummies... being a little softer in places is what makes girls different than guys, and that's what we like!" That one right there just made me laugh out loud. Boys like soft stomachs, because it's what makes a girl a girl. Not the estrogen or anything. The soft stomach. I will remember that forever.

"When we see a girl's breasts for the first time... we look at the way they curve and how they lie against her chest. The fact that they're big or small or that you think they look weird doesn't matter. The guy is only thinking, I just want to touch her!" And then, in highlighted, bold font above it says, "WE LOVE ANY SIZE BREASTS!" Yes. This definitely comforts me. Now that I know that guys don't care about how big my boobs are and that they only want to touch them really makes me more confident in living. Sorry I have to make it so awkward; this is just so silly!

"We like your butt!" Thank you.

"I've had girlfriends with gaps in their teeth, big lips, big butts, small butts, large chests, small chests. It doesn't matter to me." BOY, how many flawed girlfriends have you HAD?

And wow, this is just terrible. It advocates masturbating ("it's normal to want to explore those sexual urges through masturbation. It can feel good, and it can also help you learn about your body. ) I think I know plenty about my body without having to masturbate. And then, on the next page, it has a checklist, and at the top it says in girly pink font are you really in love? Because you can definitely tell if you're in love by a checklist. And then, at the bottom of the list, it says that you must be 100-percent certain. Which is a hilarious logical fallacy; how can you be 100-percent certain if you're looking through a checklist to make sure?!

Oh, and as for advice about how to get a guy, you should always watch ESPN Sportscenter before a date. What if I'm dating a guy who doesn't like sports? They even managed to turn a serious story into a melodramatic comedy. It was about a girl getting shot, but they made the captions unbelievably cheesy. Oh, and the challenge- "with your friends, pick five locations at the mall and challenge yourselves to talk to a hot guy at each one!" Yes, this is a super-challenge. If I can complete it, I am officially superwoman. You'd hope that the fashion section would be a little bit better, but the only thing I got out of it was that the tying a cardigan around your waist automatically completes the look.

So I'm probably exaggerating, but honestly, I don't see why teenagers would read this magazine. It's so shallow. It's so centered around boys and make-up and clothes, as if the way you look determines what you're worth. But you know what though? I actually can understand why girls would read this. It makes you feel more glamorous than you actually are, it gives you tips about the things teenagers think about the most. It convinces you that you can be beautiful too, and who doesn't want that? I remember devouring the tabloids at my piano teacher's house when I was in middle school. It made me feel popular.

But it's a good thing I'm past that phase and nothing but a cynic.

It's kindof sad though- when I saw the stories in the magazine about girls finding their "true loves," the only thing I did was scoff. I just can't believe in it anymore. But honestly, I could be so wrong, and I probably am. Besides, who am I to tell someone that she's in love or not? I've never even had it.