one through nine things.

Lots of things have been going through my mind.

This is mainly for my own personal recording purposes; no need to read the whole thing.

1- I'm super selfish, or cocky, or prideful, or something like that. Except the thing is, I was too prideful to realize that I'm prideful. But I get it now. You probably don't realize it because I pride myself on hiding my pride, and by saying this I'm only confirming my pride. You might be laughing (because I'm chuckling inside), but I'm serious. Pride's a terrible thing to have. Because the second I think I'm being genuine about something, a little voice in the back of my head's applauding me for being genuine, which only makes it not genuine. Mister voice, please go away.

2- Every time I want something, I'm afraid that God will take it away, because it's never good to put all of your efforts into one goal; that would be like worshipping it. I'm afraid that my desires are too worldly or selfish that God will begin closing doors. Which is something I fear about GHP- I'm afraid that I want it so much that God just won't give it to me. So I said a little prayer and tried my best to put my future in His hands. Big leap, let me tell you.

3- I'm awfully terrible at dealing with depressing people. I just make them more depressed. Probably because I tell them that they suck for being so depressing, which never helps.

4- I rock at making new friendships, but I suck at keeping old ones. It's really bad. I just don't know how to do it. Sometimes I wonder if it's really because I'm afraid. Or do I just not care?

5- I prioritize school way too heavily over all the other aspects of my life, including my social one. I have yet to find out if that's a good thing or not.

6- Everything's a competition for me, especially if you try to act superior to me. If you don't, then you'll be one of my favorite people.

7- GHP interview passed by so quickly that I'm not even sure what happened. First, we had to write an essay, and they gave us three topics, but I don't remember what they were. All I remember is that I wrote about an angry book yelling at make-up, because my prompt asked me to pretend I was an inanimate object. And then it transformed into this fiery letter about the dangers of conformity and the shallowness of society and the materialism of consumerist America. Gosh, I rambled, and I don't know how make-up and books even tied into it. That was fun. Then we marched into this little prison-like cell (with no clock in the room) and began reading passages and annotating them, and I smiled because they were awesome passages (I'll quote one later), but there was really no point in this part of the process because nobody ever asked me questions about the passages nor did I have to write an essay about them. So that was completely random. And then, here comes the interview. There wasn't even some sort of barrier (like a table or a desk) between me and the interviewers; it was just three chairs in a circle. Which means that they were able to see my shoes and my mismatched socks (that was awkward). The bad part about the interview is that it wasn't too much like a conversation; it was more like them drilling me while I laughed at myself and rambled for about three minutes about nonsense. Plus all they did was sit back in their chairs like hippies on weed, nodding their heads and smiling. I could almost see thought bubbles coming out of their heads that said "cool, duuuude." So that was lame. I hope I stuck out. When I walked out of the room, I said, "Have fun interviewing my competitors!" And they laughed.

The bad thing is, that was the first time they had lolled the whole interview. Oh well.

8- I went to a hand-in-hand chinese new year party today. Hand-in-hand is basically a big-sister-little-sister program, which pairs up girls like me to little asian girls from kindergarten to third grade. These girls were adopted by white parents though, so they have a difficult time trying to live with both a chinese and american background, and a lot of them are ashamed of being Chinese as well. I had a fantastic time hanging out with those children; I made a little Up house (complete with balloons!) with a little girl, then I acted crazily insane with an equally insane hyper girl (I literally stuffed an entire bao zi into my mouth because she swore that I couldn't do it), and then I did cartwheels with a kindergartener who was amazing at gymnastics. My gymnastics lessons finally paid off :) Then, it started snowing. I love children.

9- I still believe in good people.