family conversations

Brother: Where's the pump?!

Mom: Do you have problems?!

Brother: The bicycle's tire is flat!

Mom: Can't you pump it?!

Brother: Where's the freaking pump?!

Mom: The freaking pump is in your freaking mind!!

I love my family. I wish I could write down everything they say.

Me: [singing to Bieber on the radio] baby, baby, baby, oh!

Mom: Jeez, this kid's had fourteen babies already!

Mom: I love eating the skin of the chicken!

Brother: But you told me before not to eat it because it has too much oil!

Mom: Well, it's okay for me, because I'm skinny!

Me: Mom, why are you eating chocolate? You hate chocolate.

Mom: Well, I'm growing fat and old, so I must eat chocolate!

Me: Wait, what...?

Me: [singing] Let's pretend we don't exist. Let's pretend we're in Antarctica.

Mom: What? You don't exist? Like water bubbles! Pop! Pop! They look so pretty in the sun, but then, pop!

Me: So profound, mommy!!

Brother: Do you think I should start learning Chinese before it's too late?

Dad: Jonathan! I knew you'd come to your sense one day! Wow, this is so great! We can practice in the car, and I'll teach you everything. We'll have lessons at home. I'll get out all my old Chinese teaching books so that we can have lessons back at home, and it'll be great since it's free! I knew it!

Me: Have you heard of that stereotype where Asians always take too many napkins from restaurants?

Mom: [offended] What?! I do not take too many napkins from restaurants! I only take what I need! [takes about ten napkins] See?

[click here] for CRP conversation

It is time to get serious and get cracking. I'm going to try extremely hard to study for AP exams like I should. I must. Back in a week or so; don't leave!

haven't changed! Thanks parents!

People don't need to be rich.

You know this world is messed up when an actress can make 20 million dollars for one movie, and a firefighter can only make 40,000 for one year.

Does that not seem just slightly outrageous? Firefighters literally risk their lives as a job description, and what do actresses do? Entertain? No wonder there's a freaking money problem right now. I don't mean to seem ostentatious because the truth is, I have absolutely no inkling about money and economics (it goes right over my head), but I hate that all the rich people who hoard all of this country's money hardly do anything to better this world. Athletes? What do they do, hit a ball, and receive million-dollar contracts?

And the terrible thing is that we're the ones funding it all, and there's really no way to change it all. I can't even help it; the hype around movies are too much to pass up, as I'm sure is the same for the Superbowl and the World Cup and March Madness. And so much money is being spent on these public figures, that we're forgetting the people who actually matter, like the teachers. Oh my gosh it saddens me when I think about all these budget cuts surrounding education. What, no more music education in elementary school? Possibly no more GHP? Cuts on teachers? Larger class sizes? What's the deal? I view education as an extremely important part of our lives that should not be subjected to these budget cuts. And it's not like money is rapidly disappearing from the surface of the earth either, it's still there. It's just all in the banks of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton and Tiger Woods, the people who do so freaking much for this world. You know, Africa could really learn from Tiger Wood's morals, and South America should pick up some intelligence from Paris Hilton. What are they even making money for? Oh my gosh, we're one of the richest nations in the world, and we can't even fund education. Maybe I'm just not getting this; someone please enlighten me of the way economics works.

I hate people, I really do sometimes. And I'm so scared for my children. If I even have any. At this rate, it seems like the world really will end soon.

All the best are bonkers

Hatter: Have I gone mad?

Alice: Yes, you're entirely bonkers. But i'll tell you a secret - all the best are.

I finished Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll a few days ago, and it was nothing like the movie. Instead, it had no moral, and it was wonderful. I'm glad I watched the movie first; the animation was beautiful enough to satisfy me throughout the book. What book to read now?

let's be in love and dance

I would very much like one day to have a boy who feels like this because of me, please:

Or better yet, I'd like to feel like that. I can't even imagine how that's gotta feel... it must be an amazing feeling, really.

Yesterday (and the day before) were great.

The best days are the ones when you can let go of everything bothersome and school-related, and just have fun. There's no such thing as stress when you're falling 150 feet with the wind rushing against your face and your hands raised boldly in the air. No such thing as school in the sky. I love adrenaline...

And it gets better when you feel beautiful while having fun (laser tagging in dresses!). A Charlie's Angel? Oh heck yes. Although we lost miserably, it was the best night I've had in quite a while. I'm going to miss my graduating seniors, that's for sure.

Airplanes by B.o.B ft. Hayley Williams

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now.

I don't think people realize that I love good rap music. Really, rap isn't just for "gangsters" or "wannabe gangsters," or whatever, and just because I'm an Asian girl, doesn't exclude me from being capable of liking music other than Hannah Montana. And rap's most definitely not something that should just be about having sex with girls, like all the mainstream stuff is like nowadays. It's catchy and it makes money, that's for sure, but good rap is emotional, and it's real. It's not afraid to tell it as it is. Have you heard of Dessa? I'll feature a post on her some other time. Eminem's great too. I love slam poetry, how could I not like rap?

Anyways, B.o.B's a good mainstream rapper, as Ed said. And I gotta say, Hayley Williams was a great choice for this song. She's the lead in Paramore.

pinky promise

Guys. We're going to be the generation that changes
e v e r y t h i n g.

I promise. You promise, too.

Is Islam's Allah the same as Christianity's God?

I feel sad, when I think of how vehemently and passionately Muslims worship their Allah. So I wonder, is it possible that they might be worshiping the same God as me, with different traditions and with a few nuances in belief? Is it really true that they're going to hell, regardless of all that worshiping, regardless of all the prayer and all the time they devote?

And then I remembered, no. No, no, no.

Let me remind you that we don't even deserve to be on this Earth, and that the only reason we're still walking around and smelling the flowers is because of God's grace. So who am I, in the first place, to be picking and choosing who deserves to go to heaven or not? The truth is, we all deserve to go to hell. The end. That's it. So every single person who is born again and who claims Jesus as Savior is, well, something that we should celebrate, just like we celebrate when couples wed and when students graduate. But the truth is, not everyone weds, and not everyone graduates, regardless of how brilliant he might be or how beautiful she might look.

I mean, getting into heaven was never supposed to be this easy.

But it is, simply because of Jesus's love. The problem is, though, that Muslims don't believe this. It isn't just some black and white fallacy, where you say, well golly gee, Christianity's harsh because it says that Muslims will go to hell because they don't believe Jesus rose again, that's terrible. Because the fact is- they're missing out on a whole chunk. They might have the buns of a sandwich, but they don't have the meat (haha, literally). A pastor once said that while all the other religions depended on works- how closely you follow the commandments, how many times you pray, how nice you are to your neighbor- Christianity depends on faith. That's it. We can sin and not be condemned, as long as we repent, because God will be right there to pick us up and forgive us. How is that not amazing?! We can go to heaven, hallelujah, because we believe in God's love. Our whole religion is based around love. I mean, because of His love, He sent Jesus to the cross to die and rise again to be our sacrifice, so that we don't have to kill a cow every weekend to repent, and we don't have to freak out about hell every time we sin.

But see- Muslims don't have that. And so our religions are completely different. They don't believe that Jesus rose from the dead. They don't believe in everlasting life through faith. And I mean, I'm sorry, but the fact that they don't believe that just sounds so silly to me. Why wouldn't they believe that God loves us enough to have His son rise from the dead? Do they even believe in God's love, I don't know? I'm not too much of a scholar on the religion, but I know that it's not the same as what I believe. While they might pray more than me and help the needy more than me, they don't feel the same love I do, nor are they called to love in the same way. I don't mean to generalize or offend, but all the warfare out in the middle east is a perfect example of the ways our calls to action differ. All I'm trying to say is that not confessing Jesus as Savior is a pretty big deal. Love is a pretty big deal.

And it's all just kind of sad. I have so much grief for the people who don't know God's love. They're missing out on so much, and they don't even realize it.

There's another thing though- Muslims believe that Adam was faultless.

So where'd all the sin come from then...?

I'm enlightened...? Hardly.

If you're like me, I have a suggestion to make. When you're studying, have a separate notebook next to you to jot down all your lingering thoughts that pass by as you're reading about political bosses and reconstruction. It was amazing. I know it's probably not good to foster distracting thoughts while studying, but I came out with six pages in my notebook of just, stuff. It's probably a phase I'm going through (I've never questioned so much. Gone are the days when I would absorb and soak in everything as truth... I blame AP Lang. These past few classes have been amazing). But I feel incredibly enlightened right now.

Things I wondered (more jumbles of messy thoughts coming):

• If having a richer area usually has less crime, does that mean money fosters morals?
• Why's society trying to trap us in this set little bubble?
• Why are we always trying to prepare for something? Kindergarten prepares for first grade, middle school for high school, high school for college... where are we even going? Why can't we just be where we are instead of always preparing for something?
• If God made us so that we can worship Him, and we worship Him because He made us, what's the point? Circular reasoning frustrates me.
• What's the point of helping people if we're all going to die anyways? If it's so that they may live longer, what's the point of that, even?
• Is it okay to be corrupt when you're being charitable, since it gets the job done?
• Glamor always has a cost- think about the working class
• Should government and religion go hand in hand? (what do you think, please?)
• I think that the people who always have a problem with this world are the ones who can't find love.

And then I realized-- (almost) all my answers lie in God. God gives purpose to everything. He gives me the love I need. We exist because He loves us. We could not exist- that'd probably make things so much easier- but He loves us. We worship because He loves us, and He made us in His image. We're the only ones of His creations who can think, and talk. Heh. What a relief.

And then, I spent the next few pages making lists. Of my clubs next year, of my opinions, of my college list, of magazine layouts, of a book list with books I need to read.

And then, I looked at everything and I thought, I can't do any of this. I can't make it into these colleges. I'm not special enough. And then I wrote- how come everyone believes in me except for me? I don't know. I seem to have confidence in all the trivial things, but none when it comes to what I'm capable of doing. I guess that's just scary.

Can you believe all this came to me when I was trying to read my APUSH review book? Not at one time, just after every three paragraphs or so, a thought would come, and I actually had paper nearby to jot it down. It was refreshing. I felt like Winston from 1984 (again?!), who jotted down ambiguous phrases in capital letters.

And I'm going to start making audio mixes, just with songs that represent the way I'm feeling or the time I'm going through. Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower did that, and I love the idea. He named one CD "My first time driving," and he knew that in ten years he'd be able to listen to that CD and remember exactly how he had felt. So I went to Staples and bought fifty blank CDs, and I'm excited, really. I also bought colored pens (and spent ten minutes debating whether I should spend the money to do so), and no, you can not borrow them.

Thanks for reading.

This is the one post I'd like you to comment on. Just your thoughts. About anything. And everything. I'd appreciate that.

the three types of people

“THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN A DREAM WORLD, AND THERE ARE SOME WHO FACE REALITY; AND THEN THERE ARE THOSE WHO TURN ONE INTO THE OTHER.”

Currently: feeling overwhelmed with thoughts, questions, and school. Going in circles about the point of existence and the point of helping. Wondering how long it'll take for summer. And if I'll ever get to opening my physics books. And feeling extremely tired, and contemplating whether it's because of the tea I drank today or the SAT classes I had to endure. Realizing, also, that this is all probably a waste of my time. And wishing it didn't have to be so expected.

Questions and questions; where are the answers?

Too many thoughts mingling together in my head at once, it's not healthy. Time to straighten out some and send them on their way, out my ears and to some other poor soul's head.

I'm really tired, but I have to make sure I get everything out and hopefully find some answers before I forget these thoughts. Prepare for rambling and unanswered questions, if you still want to read. ---

It's so frustrating, when you hear a really good friend of yours talk about things you don't agree with. And I don't mean some small disagreement, like whether the colors on the walls are tacky or whether the latest hit record really deserves to be incessantly played on the radio, but I'm talking about completely opposite views on the purpose of life. It's frustrating because you know they're wrong. You want to tell them to cheer the hell up and find some optimism. Or to not be so hedonistic, and to think about others for once, even if it might not give him pleasure. It's not all about you.

But then, who says it's not all about you? If you don't have religion and you don't care about morals, then what's the point of following society or trying to be nice and honest? It does seem to make sense that people would think enjoying themselves should be the point of this life. If having sex with girls gives you pleasure, then hey, why not? If you like to gorge yourself with frozen yogurt everyday, what's stopping you? If you like to make fun of people, bring others down, step on them, then who's going to stop you? I used to think that there'd be some kind of conscience or moral figure hiding underneath the thickness of their brains, but when I really think about it, there's not really a point for them to care about a conscience at all. If they don't believe that God's real, then suddenly, everything becomes about you. Does that make sense?

And I don't know what to say to these people. I was speechless, honestly. How do you convince someone to care about other people? How do you teach an opinionated teenager how to have morals?

And then, another thought to dwell on- there really isn't such thing as joy without religion, is there? This is all a revelation to me; I've never really looked at things from a nonbeliever's standpoint. But when you think about it, how possible is it to really find happiness in a country where everyone goes to work in cubicles and ends up hating their jobs, where everyone ends up hating their spouses and family and decides to live the end of life on a couch watching football? It's so unlikely. Almost every adult hates his/her job. But no matter how much I hope for people who will love their jobs, the truth is, somebody's got to work in the cubicle.

And then, one guy mentioned that the only dose of happiness someone could get in this world was through drugs. And here, I get another revelation- people don't just smoke to look cool. They really are trying to escape something. It gives them those few moments of bliss, so that they can feel okay amidst this not-okay environment. I know it sounds terrible, but god, it's true. And what do you say to these people?

And another thought! It's just overwhelming, really, it is, but this one might be one of Ayn Rand's thoughts. Is it possible for someone to be truly altruistic and selfless? Because if you're that selfless, then you'll never be able to figure out who you are, right? And then, what's the point of that? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. All I know is that when you're altruistic, you feel so rewarded. You feel so great. But then, what if you're only being altruistic to feel rewarded? To gain a sense of importance? Then it's not completely selfless anymore. But for this one, I just figure that it doesn't really matter. It's probably impossible to reach complete selflessness, simply because humans sin, and that's that.

Here's something else that's interesting, if you want more.

So this one kid, who I always had the impression of being a lazy procrastinator who wasted his enormous potential, said something that blew my mind. There's actually reasoning behind his procrastinating, and that's that he's afraid. He's afraid of what will happen if he applies himself. That he'll be disappointed and not get the result that he had hoped for, after putting in all the effort. That he'll try so hard and won't be able to improve. And so by procrastinating, he has an official excuse that he can use, should he fail at something or do badly. He's able to just brush it off and say, oh, I just procrastinated. If I had tried, I could've done better. I never even knew. And it's sad, really. Because it's still wasted potential. I wish some people would just get over their fears already and step on it, because this world needs some changing.

I swear. I could ramble more about other various things that I think about, but these are the recent ones since well, yesterday. And I'm not even going to go back and re-read this post to make sure it actually makes coherent sense, because I'm pretty sure it doesn't make sense, and besides, I need to go to bed.

Sorry for the messiness. My name does rhyme with messy, after all.