This week was the definition of nostalgia.
Northview hosted the Fulton orchestra festivals this year for middle schoolers, and seeing those little boys and girls in their tacky blue collared shirts tucked messily in their undersized khaki pants just made me want to cry. I could not stop thinking to myself ohmygosh that was me, that was me, that was me a few years ago. And I realized how much I've grown, how I'm a junior, how I'm going to go to college soon, how this whole high school life started passing by a lot more quickly than I had wished for it to pass, as if it's slipping right through my fingers and I can't make the effort to fully grasp this rapidly disappearing thread of life.
It's just weird, how time works. It's so temporary, and it confuses me. A few minutes ago, I was cleaning my room, but now I'm not. A few minutes later, I'll be studying for physics, but that'll be later and not now. Every second passes and then it's gone, forever, and you have no way of retrieving it or going back to fix anything. It's kindof stressful, if you think about it. One, two, three, did I really just waste three seconds of your life?
But anyways, I just started to remember all those times from middle and elementary school, and sometimes I wonder if any of it actually happened. Was I really alive? Was that really me, giggling as I rolled down that huge grassy hill behind Shakerag Elementary, then picking off the grass off of my best friend's back? Was that really me, sitting embarrassed outside my third grade classroom because they had found out I had lice? Was that really me, playing four-square, crushing rocks to make colored chalk, hiding in the attic from my friend's sister, crying the night before I left on vacation to Hawaii because I thought I'd die from an exploding volcano? And I saw myself, and I felt as if I were watching a movie of my past.
Is this really where I am right now? Or am I in a movie? Because that's how I feel. I feel like I'm watching myself age, as of this life isn't even real. It's an extremely bizarre feeling.
You know what else though? When I was little, I would always look at the high schoolers and regard them with some sort of worshipful reverence, as if they were the kings and queens of the world and I was just a lowly peasant. And I'd always dream of the days when I'd be one of them, a high-schooler; I saw myself being glamorous and beautiful and popular, I saw myself free, I saw myself driving from party to party. I saw myself having a handsome boyfriend who'd do practically anything for me, and having the best night of my life at prom like how I was supposed to. And now, look at me; I'm at that age, and yet, I'm nowhere near that glamorous image I had painted for myself. I'm just the same old girl- just add a little bit more maturity and subtract some optimism. It's weird, to see yourself being somewhere at a certain age, then reaching that age and realizing that you were wrong all along.
And I'm really afraid that that's how my college life &later will turn out to be, that it won't be that glamorous and free life. That I'll just end up the same old girl who lives everyday, seeing potential in herself but still does nothing with it.
3 comments:
DUDE JESSIE. were quite similar. i dreamed of going to high school and driving, boyfriend, parties, prom...yea like everything you said and nope never happened haha. and i think back a lot, maybe too much its not healthy. but saying was that really me? that little girl? so carefree and obnoxious; we've all grown up so much together <3
but you know what? its ok not to have a glamorous life, because i like living this normal life, no matter how drama prone a teenage girl life is. i guess society paints a picture of what "the life" would be like; but who said we have to be like that?
even though i havent been commenting much, just like to let you know i read every single word of your posts :)
and what i FORGOT TO SAY. was that i usually picture something, and it seems SO great and i wish it would happen to me like it does to everyone else. and it does happen...but its nothing like i ever imagined it to be. so maybe, that glamorous life isn't all that...glamorous as everyone thinks it is.
I understand EXACTLY how you feel. I remember back in my middle school days, my friends and I would always come up with whole scenarios about how our high school life would turn out--complete with the boyfriends and parties and whatnot. But a lot of times, things don't turn out the way you expect, and that sucks ):
But you never know, maybe our college lives will be different. I think it's better to be optimistic about what's ahead, you know? I'm sure yours will be great so no need to worry :) You are such a fun and great girl that I'm sure college will be a blast! (Hopefully for all the rest of us as well ^^)
P.S. I didn't know you were a junior! Now I feel really stupid >< I always thought you were a senior...
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