Old Photographs

I'm exhausted, and exhausted.
Today I had to deal with a conceited sophomore who would not listen to my advice on the layout of a newsmag page, and believe me the things she was putting on that page looked hideous. I'm talking bright purple circles lined up in a column at the center of a page, with text in each circle. She kept on saying, "No; I want them in the center. I want them in the center." And I was thinking, woman, we have bigger problems than having the circles in the center; let's start with the purple circles themselves. Except I didn't say that because I'm one of those assimilating people-pleaser types of people, and so I nodded and said "okay" and let her degrade the page even more. I came in after school and changed it all. It looks better. I hope she doesn't throw a fit tomorrow.

Yesterday though, I was leafing through my baby pictures / parent pictures for an APLang assignment, and then I began to wonder what my parents were like before I came along. And I began recalling some of the thoughts I thought when I was three, except I was probably only making up those thoughts and instead retrieving them out of the candid little face frozen on the photo. Like, did you know that I hardly ever smiled when I was baby? There was only a handful of photos where I actually looked vaguely satisfied, but in all the others, I looked like I was going to shank someone. Probably my parents; did you know that I got a home phone for Christmas one year (I was probably around 4 years old), and I was sitting on a bed with a ridiculously angry face, while two other toddlers were laughing and holding up their new stuffed animals and robot toys? My parents probably only got me that home phone because they wanted it for themselves, and I find that hilarious. But when I looked closer at the two faces next to mine, I recalled exactly who they were and where they've been and all these memories flooded my head, like when we ran under tables at a fancy restaurant or gathered together in front of the new whirring computer. And then I remembered how the guy in that picture had bought me a huge stuffed bear the size of my second-grade self, and how he moved to China the next year and how I didn't really miss him because boys had cooties (and still do). But in the next picture, there he was again, and he was holding my hand, and I was still probably about four years old. I've always thought that kindergarten romance was the most adorable thing on earth, but who knew that I could've had it myself? I wish I could remember, could fill in these gaps in my memory. Just to make sure it all happened.

What's incredible though is that I do remember tidbits here and there. Like, I remember my dad bringing me to some Siebel company thing and showing me planes, and I remember gasping at how big they were. And when I saw the picture, and I saw how ridiculous I looked marshmallowed in a puffy jacket and clad in a neon orange hat that stuck up like an elf hat, I was shocked. I never knew how silly I looked. I never knew how small I was. It's so weird, remembering scenes from your toddler self. It's like a person from a different world.

And then my parents. I found a picture of my dad, and I can hardly even begin to describe it. I was staring at it for hours it seemed. He looked so young and so sure of himself; I compared him to a Bollywood star. His eyes were fierce, no kidding. And my mom, so beautiful and carefree. I just... couldn't comprehend. They changed so much, being parents, you know? It almost made me feel guilty. But I do see the teenage selves in them flash out every now and then, like the way my mom occasionally runs around the house singing in a high-pitched voice about how she's cooking eggs, or how my dad becomes unhumanly excited at the sound of tennis balls or physics problems (he was a dorky kid).

It makes me wonder how much (or how little) I'm going to change. I just can't imagine it.
I should start compiling some photos of myself for my own children to mull over too. Rather than making them stalk my facebook photos. That's lame.

PS maybe I'll scan the pictures later. : )